Friday, October 19, 2007

In the name of Jaffa Cakes...

I am just back from a Jaffa Cake run to Waitrose, Sunningdale. This store, in this specific location sums up everything I hate about "Royal" Berkshire and Surrey.

I parked my little Mini neatly in its spot when a crazed women in her over sized Mercedes came flying in sideways, and promptly stops and parks taking up 3 spaces. I gave her one of my Badger stares and she struts out, looks at me and says "Marrd Dawgs and Englishman we must be coming here on a Friday afternoon"... Indeed I thought, I wanted to point out that I was there on business NOT afternoon pleasure as she clearly was. After carefully making my way through the barrage of Chelsea Tractors storming into the carpark at me I entered the store where everything got even more upsetting.

There were mad posh women everywhere I looked, mostly out of control with trolleys. They all had far to much makeup on and stunk of overpriced perfume. I started to panic and put my head down and headed straight for the Jaffa Cake aisle. Upon clutching my tube I headed to the nearest checkout, all were about 2 miles deep with more of the mad women. Not a man could be seen anywhere. I felt so out of place, and call me paranoid but the mad women were staring at me like they thought I had bunked off school and I must be a very bad child, rather than the 27 year old women that I am.

I got in line quietly willing it to move forward when I got rammed from behind by an out of control trolley. I felt like the small child in the Roald Dahl film The Witches. After ramming me she pushed past me like I did not exist, so I proclaimed "Sorry, I am just buying these"....(why was I apologising!!, anything for a quiet life me)... "oh can you put them on the belt then please" was the reply. I did not want to put them on the darn belt, I wanted to hold them so I ignored the demanding women and got a tut. I counted out my money in advance, £1.11 for a packet of Jaffa Cakes so I could be prepared to exit as quickly as possible. I could feel my twitches coming on and knew this would not be well received in such a clearly upper middle class store so I had to get out of there quick smart. All I needed was for my "WOW!" tic to come out and I really would be stared at.

Finally my moment came and I have never been so pleased to be out of a supermarket but I think the Jaffa Cakes were well appreciated back at the office. But gosh what an ordeal. I hope that in Yorkshire the Waitroses are full of farmer types and not such posh smelly mothers.

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16 Comments:

Blogger But Why? said...

Brilliant.

You'll find the Waitroses in Yorkshire full of farmer types, with ruddy language and blue faces. Yes, Yorkshire Waitrose stores are veritably packed to the rafters with farmer types. There's nowhere else they could possibly get food from, see, cos such is demand, they are forced by free market ecomonics to sell it all to their local division of Waitrose, unless they be South Yorkshire types and thinking they still live in The People's Republic.

Mind you, they do give a nod to the sensibilities of any exiled Royal Berkshire types who may be around by removing their hats and the straw from their mouths before entering a Waitrose store.

xx

Disclaimer (before I get damaged by the missiles being hurled in my direction): I do not belive any of this is true. I actually love blue-tongued ruddy-legged farmer types from Yorkshire. Some of my best friends are from Yorkshire...

7:24 PM  
Blogger PBGV princess said...

Oh dear you seem to suffer from the same thing as me - apologising to people who ram their trollies into you/ignore you/are rude to you just for a quiet life. Ideally I'd like to tell them to f*** off and get some manners, but can you honestly imagine me saying that? rofl

Anyway, when I'm feeling insecure I always remember that it's better to be different than a clone:))

A x

9:13 PM  
Blogger KindaBlue said...

Coming as I do from a part of the world that is resolutely Waitrose-free, I always felt rather out-of-place whenever I visited the Fleet branch.

You can almost imagine the conversations between the store detectives:

"Check out the guy in the black coat, aisle six. He sounds scouse."

"Copy that. All units on alert, there's a northerner in store. Don't let him near the smoked salmon."

It makes one feel like a class traitor sometimes...

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9:21 PM  
Blogger The Cornish Cowgirl said...

There is something about the woman in the picture that makes me want to smack her in the face!

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Blogger Böbø said...

Otley Waitrose is much safer ... and has a big Bobo a stone's throw away should you need a refuge.

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