Friday, July 13, 2007

Out of the mouths of drunken fools.....

It never ceases to amaze me what can fall out of a mans drunken mouth. You would think nothing would surprise me by now, having spent enough time in pubs to last a lifetime. I rarely attract attention from men, I put this down to the fact that I don't look dissimilar to a 12 year old boy, and I certainly don't 'flaunt my femininity', if that is the correct way to put it.

I think there are rules and rituals to attracting a partner and I don't understand any of them, which also means I could slip into one of these such rituals without even realising. I never realised that 'talking' was one of them. I must be more careful. How careless of me.

Last weekend it would seem I was taking part in this 'talking mating ritual' without realising the ultimate end would be the requirement of sex. Between the slurred speech I was asked to go back and stay at this mans house (the man in question being of a senior age (50+) to myself).
I could not really understand why he would imagine I would want to do such a thing. He lived quite a trek away, and I barely knew him, so I could not work out why he would think I would want to 'stay over'. When he realised this stance was not working, he came out with the most romantic line of them all. "Look, Badger* just come back to mine for a shag will you, come on" (*of course he did not call me Badger, he called me by the other name I am known... but if he had that would have gained him bonus laughter points).

Funnily enough I declined the offer, but I did ask him to repeat himself in case I had misheard, although I think I already knew I had not. What happened next, really appealed to my sense of humour. I had a little chuckle at his up fronted ness and turned him down after pointing out that he was in fact older than my father and why on earth would I want to “shag” him as he had so politely put it.

I think I may have embarrassed him as he got a little cross at my declining and continued to ask, although getting louder (maybe he thought I had not heard him) and slightly more desperate in his plea to win me round, but still never faltering from the line “come on Badger, come on, come home for a fucking shag” . Ohh swearing, now that really could sway me, he was trying all the best lines tonight. Both really not helping him win me round, but indeed helping me pity the poor fool and laugh at his expense.

I walked away, thanking the beer lords that I was 100x soberer than he. Just to tip the end of the evening off as I was leaving he clung onto me for one last attempt... It was as if he thought by repeating himself and getting cross with me I would suddenly say “Oh my!.. Of course, what a stud you are, silly me, I have made a silly mistake, of course I would love to have a shag with you”.

Stupid boy Pike!



Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think he sounds like a real catch. Such prose... so romantic. All the girls love a bit of swearing don't they? Or have I been wrong all of these years?

2:29 PM  
Blogger Beverley Cuddy said...

Isn't badger mating now outlawed in any case - call the RSPCA? (Hmm maybe it was baiting...)
I think you should have come back with a surprising and equally random response, "No thank you to the shag - would you like to come back to mine and we could spend several hours discussing the origins of the word ketchup."

2:44 PM  
Blogger Robin said...

Or I don't know about a shag, but I am rather keen on cormorants!

What a plonker! Ah, the mating ritual of the drunken male. I was similarly accosted when I was about 15, and was a very butch dyke as a teenager, so why this bloke thought I'd sleep with him was a complete mystery. Hey ho!

10:53 AM  
Blogger Jon M said...

You could have offered him a cormorant or even a penguin! :-)

10:59 AM  
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